Child Swap - A Homestuck Fanfiction
by pinky62111
Summary: I once wondered, "What would it be like if Rose moved in with Bro and Dave moved in with Rose's Mom for a little while?" So I decided to write a story about it. Let's venture into this fanfiction and find out how Rose handles puppets, and Dave handles a drunken mother! :3
1. Chapter 1

Bright sunlight streamed through the Strider's apartment. Dave was fast asleep, snoring and drooling all over his pillow. The sunlight swam over Bro's eyes, and he groaned. He turned, grabbing his pillow and hiding his face underneath. Crows started cawing outside. "God dammit..." Bro mumbled. He sat up and started rubbing his eyes. "Why does this fucking place have to be so damn bright? Especially in the morning!" Bro complained to himself. He dropped his hands to his sides and sighed. After staring at his closet doors for two minutes, he finally stood out of bed and headed out to the living room. He continued on to the front door and outside, not caring that he's wearing nothing but his Smuppet boxers. He checked the mailbox to find quite a few letters. Bro pulled out the letters and started filing through them, "Bills, bills, bills, paycheck, bills, Dave, bills, bills, warning from the Bank- DAVE?!" Bro shuffled back to the letter to Dave, and his eyes widened when he read, "To the parent or guardian of Dave Strider." He glared, and stormed back inside, slamming the door behind him.

Bro barged into Dave's room, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" Dave jolted awake, having trouble opening his eyes, "What?" "I hope this isn't from your fucking school, mister." "What are you talking about?" "I just found a letter in our mailbox that's technically to both of us. But mainly me." "Lemme see." "No! I'm going to be open it, and find out what the fuck you did so I can ground you for life." "Okay." Bro slit open the mail, and pulled out the letter.

_"Dear Mr. or Mrs. Strider,_  
_Your child has been selected for our TV show, Child Swap. It's exactly like Wife Swap, except with the children, and they pretty much just experience having different parents. _  
_If you have any questions, comments, or concerns; please call the number or email provided on the envelope._  
_Hope to see your child soon,_  
_-A. Hussie (Orange Guy)"  
_  
Bro stared at the letter for a moment before saying, "What. The. Fuck?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Rose Lalonde, you are goibg to wake up RITE NAOW!"  
"Mom, I am awake."  
"Don't sazz-talk me, misseh!"  
"Mother, I'm not sass-talking you. I simply stated something."  
"Rose."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Rose!"  
"...Yes?"  
"Did you do somethign bad?"  
"...I don't understand your question."  
"Did. You. Do. Somethignf. Bad?"  
"Please be more elaborate. Tell me what your definition of 'bad' is."  
"Did you break the rules at skool?"  
"No. Why would I?"  
"Shhhh! ...Did you skip shool?"  
"No. My attendance is perfect. I haven't missed one day of school."  
"Then can you explain to me why i have a letter regatrding you?"  
"Sorry, I can't."  
Rose's mother stared sternly down at Rose. Rose stared back with no expression. However, she was questioning why this was happening in the first place. Her mother rose her hand in which held the letter. Rose stared at the letter. Her mother took her manicured nail and cut open the envelope, poorly. She tore out the letter, and read it out loud. Once she was done reading, Rose's mother said, "Welk this sounds very skitchy."


	3. Chapter 3

"Sounds cool!" Dave exclaimed. "No, it _doesn't_ sound cool!" Bro spat back. Dave frowned and slumped. "I'm going to call them." Bro stated. "Hah," Dave laughed sarcastically, "and say _what_?" Bro glared down at Dave and replied with, "And say that this is all a huge mistake, and they must be sending this to the wrong people." He turned around and headed to the kitchen counter, where the phone was. Dave scrambled out of bed and followed after his older brother, "Well, that would be stupid since I'm the only Dave Strider in town." Bro stopped in his tracks, and thought about how true that was. Dave crossed his arms and smirked. Bro shrugged and said, "I'm going to call them anyways, to see what the fuck this is all about." Dave nodded as Bro picked up the phone and began dialing the number that was printed on the envelope.  
A female answered, "Hello! You have reached Hussie Residence, Ms. Paint speaking. How may I be of service to you?" "Um," Bro stuttered, "may I speak to, uh...A. Hussie?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Hussie is very busy at the moment." "Oh, is he now?!" "Yes. But you may speak to me, or be put on hold for a week and listen to elevator music." "...I think I'll just talk to you." "Very good decision. How may I help you?" "We got this letter saying that my..._child_...is accepted into this thing called Child Swap." "Ah,Child Swap. Where children are taken to new parents for a week." "A week, huh?" "Yes sir, a week." Bro thought about how great it would be to not have Dave around for seven straight days, "Alright. Can I have some specific information?" "Your name, and your child's name please." "Bro and Dave Strider." "...Your _actual_ name, sir." "Oh. Dirk and Dave Strider." Bro heard tacking sounds on the other end, and figured that Ms. Paint was typing. As he was waiting for her to respond, he thought about how Paint is a really weird last name to have. He then started to wonder what her first name could have been. Bucket? Pail? His thoughts were interrupted by her response, "Ah, here's your file. What would you like to know?" "Who is Dave going with?" "A woman by the name of Roxy Lalonde." Bro smirked before asking his next question, "And when will Dave be leaving?" "Four days from now." "Great. Thanks. Later, bye."  
Bro hung up, turned his smirk back into a poker-face, turned around, and looked at Dave. "So?" Dave asked. "Better pack your bags, you're leaving in four days."


	4. Chapter 4

"Why don't you contact them?" Rose suggested.

"Why doin't you stop being Mrs. Sassafrantz today?!"

"I was_ just_ suggesting it!"

"Rose, stop with the apdtitufe, or you're gonna get your laptaop taken away!"

Rose sighed, "Fine."

Mrs. Lalonde whipped out her cellphone and began typing.

"Mom, maybe I should type for you...You're a little-"

"_**ROSE!**_"

"Alright, I'm sorry!"

"I csn type jusgt fine, drunk or noy!"

"Okay..."

About two, maybe five, minutes later, Mrs. Lalonde faced her phone screen to Rose and said, "Dotrs thinsd emaol address look rigjy to yoi?"

"No."

Mrs. Lalonde whined, "Ugh! Help me fic it!" She tossed the phone at Rose.

Rose caught the phone and fixed the email address.

"Better yet," Mrs. Lalonde started, "be my secreyayu and write my messhag for me."

"That's exactly what I was suggesting to you." Rose muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay...type this, minus da typois: Deae Cgilkd Swap people, i woild like to know who my dagter is bing sent to and when? Sinceelt, Mrs. Lalpmde"

Rose typed in the message, correcting evey little mistake, and sending in the email. They received a quick response afterwards,

_"Dear Mrs. Lalonde,_

_We will need your's and your daughter's name to give you such information._

_Sincerely, _

_Ms. Paint, Secretary of Hussie Residence"_

Rose looked up at her mother, "Mom?"

"Hmmmmmm?"

"What's your first name?"

"Roxy."

"Thank you."

Rose replied to the message with, "Our names are Roxy and Rose Lalonde."

_"Dear Mrs. Lalonde,_

_Rose is being sent to a man by the name of Dirk Strider in four days for a week._

_Sincerely, _

_Ms. Paint, Secretary of Hussie Residence"_

"Mom?"

"What is it, Rose?!"

"Who's Dirk Strider?"

Mrs. Lalonde spit out her vodka, and dropped her martini glass on the floor. Rose stared at her mother with shock and confusion.

"Who in the hells are you talking to, Rose?!"

"Ms. Paint, the secretary for Hussie Residence."

"Who the hell is Hussie?"

"The guy who sent us that letter."

"Oh, right...Dick Strider is one of my teen-hood interwebz friends. Why?"

"I'm being sent to him in four days."

"What?!"

"Yeah. And apparently I'll be with him for a week."

"And I'm going to be all alone?!"

"Well, the program is called 'Child Swap', so you might get a new child in return for a week."

"Oh...guess you better start packing, then."


	5. Chapter 5

"What?!" Dave exclaimed. "You heard me," Bro said as he walked to his room, "now which bag do you want? Or do you want a roller?" Dave followed him into his room, "You're suddenly _okay_ with sending me off to a stranger?!" "Don't worry, Dave. You'll be fine." "How are you so sure of that?!" "Don't question me. I have my ways." "Why don't I get any say in this?" "You're thirteen, that's why." "How does my age have to do with any of this?" "Legally, you can't make your own decisions until you're eighteen." "So, I have to be eighteen to decide if I want to eat cereal over a slice of pizza?" "No! I meant like placement and all that crap. The adults that have authority over you get to choose what house you end up in. I, being the adult that has full responsibility over you until you're eighteen, has decided that you're going on this little adventure." "But I don't _want_ to!" "Too fucking bad."  
Dave grumbled, crossed his arms, and glared at Bro as he searched for something that Dave could pack his belongings in.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, you're leavimn' in four days, better get started."

"For the lack of a better question: What the hell, mom?!"

"Why atr you bring so fussyr? And do you want a duggle bag?"

"_No_, I don't want a duple bag! And I'm being so 'fussy' about this because it seems like you're completely okay with the fact that I'm being sent off to a total stranger!"

"He's not a stranger, silly. He's my friend!"

"He's not a friend to me. I've never even met the guy! Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?" Rose stared sadly at her mother, hoping her answer would be 'no'. Mrs. Lalonde stared back at Rose, expressionless.

"...Yes." Mrs. Lalonde responded. Rose sighed, and hung her head down.

"It would be nice," Mrs. Lalonde continued, "to have someone that isn't as rude and disobedient as you are around." Rose looked back up at her mother, hurt and heartbreak written in her eyes. Mrs. Lalonde turned, walking out of the room saying, "I'm going to go find you a duggle bag."


End file.
